Tonight supposed to be one of those nights that i allow myself to let my hair loose and just enjoy myself, but that did not happened. I shouldn't have started th topic of my dad wit J before meeting the rest of th girls for timbre. It dampens th whole spirit of my own, and all i felt like doing was blending into the picture and left unknown. Feels like crap;

I'm so sorry girls, for not being a sport.

Humans are so afraid to look into each other's eyes and say " I am unhappy, I am broken, I am hopeless and fallable" We have been accustomed to associate pain with weakness, sadness with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with diseases, as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt be feared.

Was hopping from different blog-sites, and came across something that caught my attention. It was these chunk of words but, i just read on and that whole paragraph sets me thinking, quite abit.

Human as such, I am one of them. Often i find myself wallowed in my own thoughts but never did I once ever shared something with anyone - not totally. Th mask that i put on every other day, seems as much as the necessity to put on clothes every other day. Without this mask, i would feel insecure , naked and maybe a little out of place. It is this mask that i put myself in everyday, and it is this mask that people see me on th outside.

To many, i might seem like a person full joy - a total extrovent.

I am not a box, there's more than 4 sides of me.

i like photos with balloons in them, it makes me happy; as much as i don't like balloons bursting in my ears.

went back to school on thursday for lab, and all i do in class was play around wit photoshop and it's features. it was an outdoor lab session where students were asked to go out of the classroom and take photos for 2hours ; all i was left alone in th lab for abt one and half hour after th lecturer explains to me th basic functions of photohshop. boy, i was really bored. after completing, i spent my time watching harry potter on my phone - luckily i loaded onto my phone th previous night!

and did i mention tht brother just came back from bkk and he bought alot of stitch stuff for me, but someone it's of no use for me, except those iPhone casings, so cutee! :> i changed th hello kitty one off at tht instant. mummy drove to airport th night that brother arrived, and she was practically driving at 70km/h at th maximum, lucky i survived th trip - mummy haven't drove for ages! and i waited for bro and his friends and mummy in th car at th parking lot for so long, cos i didn't want to move around in crutches. thankfully ZY was entertaining me all long, okay.

one more week to 26/11! i simply can't wait for physio session, can't wait for th knee to bend so badly! but, i think it's not healed yet. have been trying not to wear th brace at home, cos it gets really irritating sometimes. just now when mummy accidentally tickled th sole of my left feet, i jerk and man it hurt a hell load i almost teared! so for th nxt few days, i'm going to be a good girl and have th brace on all th time except bath time. i want it to heal so badly!!! I MISS WALKING!! :<

dislocated a knee joint; knee brace-d and on crutches. thru this, i've seen through alot and felt sad in alot of areas. while typing this, i can feel tears forming. i miss my friend, alot. it's nth like before anymore, it feels as if history is repeating itself though, he claims nth is werid now.

at this point, i really feel lost. somehow. i needed you to be thr, but. i feel as if we were strangers. to be honest, there was nothing more than friends i was thinking. this whole thing is scarying me so badly, i can cry myself to slp every night. i turn to no one else now.

have been writing alot lately, but not on space but on literal book. kept aside a book on th desk, to pen down thoughts of which i thought it's worth remembering, or shld say - at least i've got a personal area to vent out to when i feel like. a book to write in, to me is so much easier than to share wit someone. cos on th other hand, he or she might be a good friend, but not someone that might have to th ultimate patience to hear all of my rants, or could totally take what i'm thinking.

life have been alright in school, at home and what not. i think i'm paying more attention in school this sem thus far, as compared to what i did last sem. though particular modules are just too boring for me to absorb when th lecture speaks in a very weird tone. th word "okay" sounds like "ogheeeyy". and it's suppose to be a technical subject, and she, makes it sounds like an english lesson. tell me about it; it just gets so annoying at times.

going to sentosa this coming friday wit salvopeeps, and i'm so looking forward to it! i want to get sunburnt, SO BADLY! can't wait can't wait can't wait! :> oh and i just downloaded ; i love you, philip morris into my phone, so tht i can watch it during long journey! YESYESYES! :>

Chalk, Wax and Paper.

over at jiahuan's hse now, camping in front of th laptop watching 90210 season 2 while th both is sleeping like a log. i'm so sleepy now, but somehow i can't fall aslp. i slept at 1am ytd and woke up at 4am, and couldn't get back to sleep after tht! work over at tanjong pagar cc today, registration was crazy cos thr were so many people yo!

and well, life's been okayy recently. i think i shld go back to reading and mayb some writing too. lots have been going through my mind recently, and i've kept it tht way cos i always forget to bring my notebook out wit me every single time.

thr was this time when on th way home from work and i somehow decided to take th longer route home from workplace, and i suddenly thought of daddy. i cried like a baby on th bus, and i felt as if people were giving me th weird stares, but i didn't really care then. i went home flipped through photo albums of when i was young and started tearing again. lucky enough, thr weren't anyone at home. i sat thr on th cold marble floor tearing so much till i got tired. i felt lost, th memories of daddy is still so vague in my mind.

just read through th eulogy LKY wrote for his wife, kindered alot of different emotions. i can totally feel his heart you know. i think i shld start writing letters to daddy - i should go get a box, and write letters and keep it inside th box. i knw daddy can read it, and he's always here wit me, just tht idk only. i should right?

LONG-LOST.

abandon-ed this space for a very long time, and i think it's time for me to update. i think i've been writing too much in th organizer book i carry around with me all th time, tht sometimes i feel as if my thoughts are over-powering what i really feel.

have been meeting up wit good old friends recently to study and to do some catching up. exams are tomorrow and i'm not totally prepared for it. i haven't fully covered every single thing tht i shld knw, and i'm only counting on luck tht i'm able to scrape through th paper! ohmy.

recent happenings includes salvo chalet, orchard hotel complimentary stay, stayover at LJ's hse at th very last minute, outing wit th salvo girls, it fair wit moh, short meet up wit SG wit macaroons and milktea! can't believe i haven't seen him in say 2 years, though we have been keeping in contact and what not. him updating me of his life, and me updating him and all. it's really kinda fascinating how alike we are in some ways! really heart warming to knw someone who knws and understands what and how you feel! seriously! hao peng you yo! :>

oh, and thru th week tht i've been back to sch, i bumped into W twice. th first was still okay, lyk i didn't really feel a thing. but th second time was a hit. my heart beat so fast, tht i thought it'll dropped out you knw. i didn't knw why. i was terrified, i was dumbfolded, i really wanted to scream and cry. le sighs, things shld have changed. so many months have passed! le sighs..

GETAWAY.

Blogging from korea naoooo - slacking around in dorm cos all of us is tired from shopping after a straight 7hours flight overnight. didn't get alot of sleep cos the plane wasn't that comfortable afterall, considering th fact tht some baby was crying or shld say wailing at th top of th her voice. ohmyyyy, but then i can't deny th fact tht th air-stewardess on th flight are really pretty! :>

So far, i've spent on cosmetic clothes and a pair of shoe of which all are bought at a relatively cheap price. seriously. bought a mascara, a eye liner and eye make-up remover at only 19000won, which is just abt 20++SGD! so happy wit all th gettings! :> we'll be heading out for dinner and more shopping soon! :>

ohh, and thr's dunkin doughnuts located just at th first level of th building tht i'm staying in right now! but, tht's not sth surprising here la, thr's lyk cafes everywhr! even the breadtalk here got sit in cafeteria you knw. HAHAH! okayy, i'm going to get change naooooooooo :>

hypothesis.

today's th 13th day, tomorrow marks 2 weeks. and 2weeks later, it'll be a mth.

things are pretty much th same for th past 2weeks. just that hp seems a lil quieter than usual, cos i'm kinda lazy to reply txt. and somehow or rather, i would really prefer myself to alone ; away from th crowd or shld say away from ppl. mayb it's lyk what Q say " you're tired. tired from showing ppl how happy you are, when in fact you are not. you just want to be away, and be yourself." ohwells, things will change for th better i hope. i don't want to stay in th cacoon i am in for too long!

"it doesn't matter. It's ancient history. But I was awake last night too. I have the same kind of feeling; something's changing. It's funny how things seem different, suddenly. This morning, i found myself staring at the light coming on the kitchen window - it made a long rectangle on the floor, and the shadows of new leaves were moving in it, making all their patterns. Such simple thing, but it was beautiful."

two weeks later, i'll be flying off to korea wit mp alrdy! can't wait, can't wait, can't wait. finally, a break from everything to a foreign land, whereby i can totally be myself! :> but i want to get a few things before i fly! i want to get tht blue bagpack, a new note book, tht grey-ish jacket thngy, those 3 novels i browsed thru while waiting for mp th other day! ohmy, why payday seems so far away when it's only 4days away! :(

oh, and i painted my nails blue for this week! (Y)

fourth day.

today's th fourth day tht th truth came upon light, and i'm still feeling a little empty. thr were moments i wanted to contact you so badly, but i just had to control myself and repeatedly tell myself tht what was before has officially ended. " no, i didn't. i treated you as a friend." this sentence haunts me so much, that it's even worse than a drug addict in rehabilitation. it has been ringing in my ears for th past 4days, tht sometyms th tears are uncontrollable, till crying to bed will soon become a habit forged. and for now, i'm trying to play pretend at my very best. what ppl see, will be a girl tht laughs alot, talks alot and is happy with th life she is in.

"she felt her own isolation acutely, the figures in the bar joined by a common purpose, the people moving arnd her on the sidewalk drawn along the lines of their lives to places she could not even imagine."

just today, while on the way to th zoo for c's outing wit th rest; th bus drove past th crematory place. thr was a sudden gush of emotions - so strong, i couldn't hold back my tears. flash images of what happened back then in december, makes me feel really sad. just few more mths, and it'll be daddy's death anniversary. i haven't totally accepted th fact that he's alrdy left us, and what we had of him were just memories of th past. i really want to ask daddy, how is he right now; i miss him. alot.

such issues, brings me back to th word life - what is it, & why am i living and experiencing all these that i'm going thru now? lyk what F said, thr's earth thr's human. if earth did not exist, what are we? during th dinosaur's era, we were borned yet, but what were we?

i want to run to a faraway place, so badly.

i think i can still wait

i miss those girls, lyk i haven't seen them in ages! :<

okayy, so life's pretty much th same recently except for th face tht these few days have been lyk a love-hate relationship kinda thngy between you and me. must really apologized for being a bitch though, saying th wrong things at th wrong tym, and saying things that i know i'll never mean it. i'm really sorry :<

1 week has passed ever since sch has started, and it has all been well. handed in assignments on time and whatsoever; public speaking speech was okayy, but i nearly teared in th midst of it. guess, i haven't really gotten over what has happened last december. ohwells,

ohohoh, and recently idk why but i just don't lyk to be in crowded areas. i will feel unwell wit too many people around, and th voices around me will tend to muffle with th overlapping of different voices. what i feel is lyk as if in those movies, whereby everything around you pauses and you just need time to yourself kinda thing. it is only recently tht i felt this way, seriously.

but, i'm really tired. and i'm sick of being tired alrdy. i think thr's something seriously wrong wit me. it's either i'm really changing dratically or things arnd me are changing and i can't keep up wit tym. i can't exactly say i'm numbed by th pain, th heartaches and whatsoever. cos every now and then, i feel th hole in chest churning so bad, tht sometyms i literally scream th pain off in my pillow then drift off to slp. thts why, somehow i'm really thankful for th sunburnt, cos i can feel th pain off my skin. and tht's lyk one of th few tyms i can express th pain so openly. i want to run away, away to a foreign land. whereby thr's no emotions, no friends. somewhr near th beach, hearing th waves makes me feel calm. but well, when reality hits - there's no turning back.

yes, that's exactly what i feel lyk doing now - just lying down on a patch of green, enjoying th sunset or just th pure starry sky! with no thoughts running through my mind; just want a relax moment, without any spiltting headaches.

; just got back from salvo camp ytd. to round up th camp, i think th camp was fun. though throughout th whole camp, i must confess tht i've got th i don't want to be involve in anything kind of mood. dk why also, lyk just wanted to blend into th picture, and tht's tht. ohwells, but i'm glad tht somehow i did put in th effort to you knw, show tht i was excited and all. think it's th tiredness i suppose, cos haven't been having sufficient rest recently. so sorry abt it yo! :/ and i can sort of feel tht th seniors are sort of bonded more? lyk we are more of a big grp now than having small grps everywhr kinda thng (Y)

; went back for training today, didn't stay throughout though. left at arnd 4plus wit L, cos both of us were working at 5. but but but, training was good! though got some parts of it, i was really lost. lyk couldn't grab what was taught by M and whatsoever. keep playing wrongly, turning at th wrong timing. so, i really need to practice practice practice!!!!!!!!

; work today was okayyyy, kinda slack cos it was a typical thursday evening. going down to help out for opening tmr before going to meet th rest of class at vivo for SENTOSA! can't wait, i'm going to slp and suntan at th same tym. this tym round, i'm really going to plug-in, set alarm, lie thr and suntan and slp! damn tiring, best tym to slp alrdy. so people, don't disturb me tmr okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! oh, and i'm meeting J and LJ tmr for dinner. it has been ages since i last saw LJ! (Y)

went down to watch zingo's combine performance at esplanade wit a bunch of noisy, crazy and fun group of ppl sometym recently. th performance lasted for abt 30mins, cos it was part of th singapore art's festival thngy. headed down to geylang for tauhuey wit a few of them before heading home together wit E,JY and JM. reached home kinda late, and i'm totally zonked out.

day 1 of freedom; pun intended! :>

okayy well, paper's pretty screwed for me today. but i think it's okayy, cos retail therepy makes me a happy girl today! :> and most importantly, day out wit gf is th best! :> lil updates here and there, and alot of things tht she shared made me think of you, and tht's very bad, very bad indeed. but ohwells, what was done cannot be undone, and can only be kept tht way. okayy, enough of those emo stuff.

shopping was very productive for us today, gf got herself a pair of shoe from newlook; i got 1 top from f21, 1 top from pull&bear, 1bottom from CO, 1 pair of shoe from newlook! (Y) spent lyk alot of money today, cos payday was just a few days back! HAHA! & upon reaching home, mummy asked me "你今天中马票是不是?" damn funny.

&&& we took a couple of nice photos today, and really felt lyk 2 small kids going out tgt. and taking photo at th fountain lyk as if we were tourists, but. it was fun! really! :> dk when will be nxt tym i'm going to see her, but it's okayy. th 9years of friendship tht we have, aren't shallow but really deep! :>

from th moment i sent tht txt, i think i've alrdy made a decision. to let go and move on wit th life i've now. but well, it's easier said than done. really. as i'm typing this down, i'm actually having tears at th brink of my eyes. idk what i'm crying for; like am i feeling sad cos i've lost sth really dear to me, sth tht i really held close to my heart for. and now it's gone.

somehow i'm glad i told you how i felt, but i actually did expect at least a reply from you, which i didn't. little did you knw tht when i type those words down, it sting me so bad tht i really feel lyk banging my head against th wall, and mayb i might just suffer a brain concussion. from tht, i can just forget abt everything tht has happened. i've told some close friends tht i've been thru th worst, and thr's nth more heart wrenching than tht. losing a guy is nvr as painful as losing a parent. th pain of losing a guy is just temporary and th feeling you've for tht guy will just fade off by time; wheras losing a parent is pain for a lifetime.

but what i'm feeling is tht, i'm getting a blow almost sequentially. th first blow in decemeber and another in april. my, it has been 6mths and 2mths respectively, and tht really sucks. sometimes i think so much, i start to hear voices in my head, so loud tht i just want to scream and tell them to shut th hell up. all those are making me annoyed wit me, myself and i.

like, what th fuck is wrong wit me.

it felt good chatting wit you, again. but now as a friend. i did not regret txt-ing you tht simple txt, and from thr we just continue-d on. and for tht, it meant alot to me. th air is cleared up abit, and thinking back. i think i was th one who is putting in too much of an iniative. once again, i'm sorry. but well, though things are changing for th better. i can't foresee tht we're meeting up any time soon also. your mp is starting soon, and tht means you'll only be free during th weekends. well, we'll see how then! :>

over to study at K's hse today, quite productive i must say. lyk we really stayed at our own table, and nvr talk. lyk just pure studying only. until i think both of us study until abit tired and all we started going abit high. lyk replying txt-s of each other phone. lyk she read my txt then use my phone reply, i read her txt and use her phone reply. and vice versa! so funny, made me laugh lyk mad! i'm going over to stay on monday before th stayover camp in sch on tues, wit SJ i think. YAY! can't wait!:>

okayy, i think i should hit th sack now. damn sleepy alrdy! going to slp to my fill, and wake up on time to go for MCT paper. goodnight people! :>

maths paper today was okayy i suppose. i dk how to do 2 question techinically speaking, if thr's no other careless mistakes! well, thr's netfund tmr and i haven't started studying yet. how great isn't it? HAHA! think going to start soon after i take a shower.

am having another splitting headache again! damn annoying, it's coming back again! but now's different, cos i can't go complaining to you alrdy, lyk before. but i guess, it's going to be alright. panadol don't seem to work anymore. think i'm immune to panadol alrdy. well, i don't exactly like th taste of it either.

; on th way home just now, i read on th bus. but somehow i knew my thoughts were running wild again. cos for th first tym, i felt th silence. serious, it was haunting - like a sting to my ears. this is bad, so very bad. but at least, th sting shutted after i indulge in deep reading. HAHAH! and i had my dinner home today! i lyk aunt's chicken soup! it's salty enough! :>

i've got a paper at 3.30 ltr, i hope i don't walk out of th room disappointed. but well, i guess 20marks is alrdy gone, cos i really dk how to draw graph! :/ HAHA! well, past week has been okayy i guess. just tht sometyms i think so much tht i feel th hole i alrdy have in my chest is alrdy exploding! serious.

i woke up this morning, having a thought about you, my friend. how we used to be, and if you out of th blue were to ask me out for a movie or sth, how would it be like? think i'm missing you and having thoughts about you too much than i really knew i am. but sometimes idk why i utter words tht i nvr want to say to you, but i did. and i guess, you're caught at your tongue and dk what to reply and such. but well, it's okayyy. i've promise myself, i'll not contact you anymore, unless you did. this time round, i'm going to mean what i said.

no longer, am i going to say anything. cos i suppose my words are nothing but just spears. okayy, take care my friend. i'm going to continue having you in my thoughts, and i don't care if people say i'm stupid or not. cos i really treasured what we were last tym. & even if last time were just pure innocence, and you didn't mean what you say. i'll hold steadfast to it. i just need tym to really let it go.

time check: 1.24am now.

it's a cold night and i'm cuddled up in an old sweat shirt tht i haven't wore for a few years!

okayyy, well. i can't figure why i'm not aslp at this tyming. maybe cos my hair's still wet,

maybe cos random thoughts are running thru my mind,

maybe cos on-going headaches that i've been having, oh maybe just maybe.

i think ED said sth really true today; when someone ask-ed you if you are okayy cos of th blank expression you have on your face, and then you answered and said it was nothing and tht you were just tired. it very much means tht you have thoughts running thru your mind and just dk how to put it down in words or simply did not want to share. i find it quite true, cos i think tht's what i've been doing lyk majority of me tym. it's lyk i have those thoughts in my mind, swimming thru non-stop and i very much want to scream it out or share it to someone. but somehow, i will have th feeling tht noone uds what i am thinking and feeling and it's really difficult for me to share exactly how i felt. plus it's really difficult to find someone who has similar mindsets as mind, and look at things th way i look at it.

i'm a person who get annoyed very easily and tht does not mean tht i'm not annoying at times. and for that, i apologized. i feel myself changing; i see myself moulding into someone tht i want to be. i picture myself as a carefree girl, showing emotions as and when i felt lyk but nothing related to matters of th heart. i suck at it, and i don't think i'll ever will improve. i've resigned to fate, and shall just let things go as it is.

just today, i was sharing wit F tht i very much want to see you wearing th shirt i've gotten for you for your bday. i've yet to see you wear it, and i doubt i will. think th only chance would be upon coincidences tht i bump into you in sch, and you're wearing th shirt. ohwells, i can't deny th fact tht every single tym i go to tht particular canteen during my breaks, my heart will just pound incredibly fast, that sometyms it's difficult to breathe. but, nth beats th feeling of having your thoughts run wild, and feel th hole in your chest wallowing even deeper - th screams that will nvr be heard.

to end off, i came across this qoute post on tumblr, and found it quite true

"Pretend you don't love him, just pretend. Then two things will happen; either he realises how much he misses you, or you'll realise tht you don't need him."

no pictures for today; very lazy to find and post.
how to summarize what i've been feeling; "it's saddening to knw we've distance-ed, but thr's nothing i can do abt it." okayy, ohweells. shopping wit F on friday was alright, especially those tyms we laugh-ed and talked abt some stuff here and thr. but didn't manage to get anything tht i wanna get. lyk my yellow shoes and blue backpack! :<>

and somehow i realised, after we stop contacting very much, i found myself happier somehow. but i preferred you to care, and tht's all i can ask for. i would want to go out wit you again, i would want to hear you say those words you use-d to say. but i guess you would nvr knw. think all you feel is me being a stupid bug saying things tht you don't wish to hear, and thus not knwing what to reply. it's either you are tired of telling me how much you care, or you not wanting to repeating what you've said. ohwells, either ways. i would rather you tell me. i want you to bother and give me tht least bit of attention again. really. sighs.

much was spoken today; thoughts and disappointments was shared. tears were shed, some even got up and left th room in a bang. after so much was spoken, i felt numb somehow. numb-ed not because i didn't take in anything tht was said, numb-ed cos of what i've tried to put in but did not achieve. a contradiction isn't it?

but, i really did put in th effort to remember, to put into place what was taught. but i just can't. sometyms learning it, almost brings me to tears. cos i just can't get it right. me too, want to find back tht "fighting spirit" i had during concert preparation. those pushing over th limit feel tht almost everyone of us can feel from each other. i believe we can, we just need to push ourselves harder; beyond th improvements we alrdy have.

my mind's in a mess for th pass few days. regretted some stuff tht i said over a phone conversation tht might very much might be th last convo. dk when will be th nxt tym we're going to speak or start to communicate wit each other again. ohwells. i should just pretend that i'm okayy, and my life's moving on lyk it used to. just tht i sort of hate it, when my mind drift off so much tht th headache that seems to be permanent doesn't make things better.


tmr's th start of a new sch week yet again, and it also means tht th new juniors are coming in for their very first training tmr, which also means tht it's going to be day1 of being a senior tmr! ohmy. kind of excited, but on th other hand dk what to expect and all. wo men yi qi jiayou ba! :>


; to end of, i think human being human. lives in contradiction so much, tht we don't really truely knw what we want. no pun intended. lyk what leonard told me ytd, "We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones that ignore us, love the ones who hurt us and hurt the ones who love us." don't you find it kind of true?

OUT




dear friend,

i've somehow came down to a painful decision. as i'm typing this down, i'm at my brink of tear-ing again. well, think it's okay. you won't be reading this, and won't be caring as much i suppose. you won't be caring if i was here alone crying my eyeballs out, for only one reason. things seems to change so fast, in just a day. i want to ask for an explaination, but i better not. i've cried enough.

i'll miss those days that we had endless conversation about anything. i'll miss those days that i can just randomly ask you out. i'll miss those days that we txt non-stop for th entire day. i'll miss those days when i wake up reading your text - wishing me good morning. i'll miss those days that we meet up almost every week, or twice a week. i'll miss those days that you waited for me to slp before you do. i'll miss those days tht we chat on th phone until th wee hours of th morning. i'll miss those days tht you whine not stop over th phone. i'll miss those days tht without fail you'll brighten up my days i'll miss those days tht we meet up for movies. i'll miss those days tht we cuddle up tgt in th cinemas. i'll miss th smell of your perfume. i'll miss everything about you.

but now, it seems lyk everythings down th drain. well, i can't lose something tht i nvr had i suppose. everything was just almost there, at least from what i feel. i don't trust tht th time spent was just for th sake of it. take care my dear friend, idk what else to do. i'll shut myself away from you, if that's what you want. i'll be more than happy if one of these days thru your busy schedule, you'll think of me and contact me.

trust me, it's painful. i feel th hole dwelling even deeper, whenever i think of you. but i guess, you're just far beyond my reach. i'll love you still th same, but i nvr got th chance to tell you. and i think i'll never will.
okayy, promise you'll take care.

love,
sher.

♥ WALLOW-ED



down beneath; let it be spoken.

i somehow. lyk it when someone speaks in parables. lyk speaking in a way, whereby th meaning is in it but not tht direct. i started to lyk it only recently, without any particular reason of whatsoever. reading parables are interesting too! but not those biblical stuff, of course.

lots have been running through my mind lately. things abt death, regrets, saying th right thing, being ignored; everything along those lines. it feels as if i'm back into a state of solitary, back to where i was last tym. it's getting scary. i even cried on th journey home, thinking back abt how stupid i was. but not regretting what i said and did. but just how stupid i was being such a pain in th ass when i could have acted in a better way.

it's tym for some self-reflection. thr's no tym for tears right now.

♥ TWEETS!



sentences of pure innocence

3-days of CCA recruitment, i went down for 2-days. and thru these 2-days, i roughly learnt how limit break is drum-ed. th different rhythm is all. &&& i "shang gu-ed" on th last day of CCA recruitment! th longest distance i've walked so far, so proud of myself.

& HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHIAWEI!
please stay as gay as ever. and stop getting scratches on your face by rubbing your face against your pillow. though i seriously find it kinda ridiculous. lyk how mans? HAHAH. everyone was amazed, plus puzzled at th same tym.

okayy, that's all. work for th nxt 2 days. opening to closing on sunday somemore. someone pls tell me abt it.

♥




happy birthday, boy! you're 20 now.
messages are very well self explaint(?) :>

F.



revive; from what it used to be

alright, i feel lyk typing writing and everything tht is along tht line. i feel th serenity of me pen-ing my thoughts down after swallowing it down so much till somehow, i feel as if my chest is a bottomless-pit. literally. lyk sometyms it gets so painful i feel lyk screaming, but thr isn't sound coming out from me. it was just, just now tht i felt as if i had breathing difficulty. ohwells, just fuck it.

reading thru what we were before, i felt my heart wrench-ed. th familiar feeling came back for a short while until you uttered th S-word. for what it may seem, everything tht was done; a word sorry was th only only word used. then, i start to wonder if sorry is such a big word, tht everyone is using it so freely that somehow it loses th meaning behind it.

i know i'm being a bitch now, making a big fuss out of everything. but well, how do you expect me to react? on th other hand, i can't blame you for anything too. thr wasn't any status between us to start with, and mayb afterall it's just me tht's taking everything so seriously; far too serious than what you expect. but thr wasn't any regrets of anything that i've said to you so far, it's just how you've taken it in. lyk what you told me, sometyms you just dk what to reply. okayy, i've gotten it. i will try to get use to it, just give me some tym.

ohmans, FML. shouldn't i? i think i read too much into everything's tht between us.

dear god,
i pray that it does not rain later on. th sky looks kinda gloomy, and i would rather perform under th scorching sun than performing on wet ground bare-foot-ed, cos tht will be a lil gross. pls not what happened ytd, happened today! rain rain go away, come back another day! oh, and pls don't let th rain come back on saturday oso. okayokayyy?

♥ UPDATES!



life's been great! :>

okayy, it's lyk ages since i last updated my blog, and i realized thr's alot of silent readers. seriously. well, i can't really rmb every single detail tht happen-ed for th past few weeks. just roughly, except for some really few incidents tht i can rmb kind of vaguely.

• trainings on monday and wednesday
• salvo outing @ seoul garden
  
• movie-d wit salvo peeps.
• met up wit WJ!
  
• movie-d wit WJ!
• company's chalet.
• salvo's chalet :>
• work-ed lyk a cow! :/
• shopping wit C!
  

okayy, tht's all i can recall. well, everything's been great! seriously. lyk th 5-hours HTHT wit K during company's chalet. th fun, laughter, peace and joy we all had during salvo chalet. spending tym wit people tht serve as super good company, laughing at th slight-iest things and such. think this space will be too small if i were to pen every single thing done into words. literally! &
SHER LIKES THIS! :>

i promise, i'll update lyk more regular-ly okay? i'll try not to be lazy to log into blogspot and type a few lines, or just simply post pictures! HAHA! kayy, off for now. training's starts at 5 today, and i think i'll be meeting KO after training. toodles! :>

♥ BLANK



have-ing tht expression on my face for th past 2 days, lyk almost every second. ohwells, weekends were solely spent at home and tht's tht? though i step my foot into town today. accompany-ed mummy to change her phone over at paragon before heading to granny's place. and i think i'm kinda addicted to coffee recently. a cup of double shot caramel macchiato from starbucks everyday has became a habit! :/ it's lyk spending 6$ on a cup of coffee everyday.

ohmy, save money save money! why must payday come at th end of th month! and guess what, i can't believe tht i actually survived on my own income from work for th past 3 months. have only taken 50$ from mummy in jan and that's tht. ahhhh! was just talking to bro ytd over lunch that i've actually scrimp-ed quite alot ever since what happen-ed to daddy. cos i use-d to receive 70$ from daddy every wk, which makes it 270$ a mth apart from my pay i get from work. and now i only get income thru work, which is a almost a 50% off th amt tht i used to have per month! ohmy! :/ no money no money, when thr's so many thngs tht i want to buy! :/

♥ HOMEY


day today, so there shan't be any photos. i can't think of any nice photos to re-post. too lazy to go my frequent tumblr web to grab. HAHA. it's a gloomy day again today, th sky doesn't look anywhr close sunny :/ when th sun shines so brightly, we complain why is th sky so bright; and th weather so warm. when it rains, i complain tht why must it rain, th sky's so gloomy. how ironic. okayy, shall have my very own movie-marathon today, toodles ppl! :>

♥ LISTEN,



how true;

i was out wit my bro and mum today, and we practically didn't do anything. cos we made a waste-ing trip down to paragon for something tht i shan't mention here. i don't want to be sue-ed by some company by just blogging it down, or some sort spoiling their company's reputation. ohwells.

wanted to shop today, meet up wit J or sth. but didn't in th end cos th wheather was being a bitch. i don't lyk to shop when th ground is wet, lyk literally. cos ppl walk in and out of th shopping mall wit their wet footware when it's raining heavily outside. went home to idle my way thru disappointment. thankfully for tht boy, if not i thought i would just stone and literally become a stone. HAHA.

nightfall came kinda quickly, and i settled in in my room, cuddling in lyk a caterpillar in a cacoon. it was a cold night. watch-ed "have your met the morgans?" till abt 12plus, waiting for tht boy to txt me. got abit worried, when msg-es could not be delivered and calls were not allowed. until abt 12plus1, a txt came in; i was relieved! then th night became lyk any other night, bid-ing of goodnights; and off to bed wit a smile on my face :>

HAHAH! it had been long since i blog-ed in such a way. seriously. but i lyk. anyway, i think you won't knw what i'm talking abt. okayy, toddles.

♥ LONG-ED



after such a long tym; finally :>

plan for sun-tanning failed ytd, cos apparently th rain ruin-ed everything. when we thought mr sun would come out, it started raining cats and dogs and elephants and so many other animals. what a disappointment.

ended up shopping at vivo after which, but S and i did not manage to get what we want. shop-ed for quite long before bus-ing down to THAI CORNER for dinner. food was awesome, just tht th curry was a tad-bit too spicy for me, but overall rating abt 3 out of 5 stars? HAHA. will definitely go back again! :>

don't knw when will be th nxt tym tht we 4 meet up together again, cos everytym we plan something, someone is bound not to be able to make it :/

♥ AWESOME!



when nothing goes under th blanket.

out wit this AWESOME 3 today! really had fun doing catching up and all. can lyk really talk abt anything an d everything when wit them and all; lyk seriously. tell me abt IJ love pls! :>

have known J since p3 and our friendship is still growing strong, though most of th tym she's lyk th MIA one. but when tym calls her to be out and all, she'll just be thr! and well, known E since primary school also, forgot when exactly. but this girl of mine, has always been thr lyk forever. in no matter what situation i'm in, somehow or rather; she'll be th first one on th list to get to knw them! and for LJ, known her in secondary sch; used to call each other fbf and fgf! HAHA. miss those days mans! she's one of my those random friends. out of th blue contacting me, but always at th right tym! HAHA.

and well, yes! that's how awesome this grp of ppl can go! :> girls power yo!

♥ OUTING



Awesome group! :>

out wit salvo peeps ytd after work to watch Up in th air. th movie was alright, kind of funny at some parts. but th main leads are so OMG! HAHAH. lyk look really good, though they are a lil old in age alrdy! HAHA. me and choo kept commenting during th movie la! HAHA :>

Botak jones for dinner then home-d wit cheryl. one conclusion after being wit salvo for th past one year; we lyk to stand in th middle of th pathway, blocking all human traffic. we lyk to stand around for no particular reason, hoping tht someone will just get moving, but it seems as if we are waiting for someone when we're not. we lyk to snap-snap for some reasons whenever thr's a camera arnd. &&& salvo is an expensive CCA! HAHAH :>

♥ SWEETS



oh, how cute! :>

met up wit tht boy in th midst of th 2weeks training and after that as well. catch-ed a couple of movies, of which are all not tht bad. and thr was this once after movie, we bumped into M. and then so coincident-ly bumped into a couple of my secondary sch mates. HAHA. ohmy, how small is singapore mans.

ohoh, i realised i've been falling aslp while typing msges recently. usually at night! lyk type half-way then fall aslp all. ohmy, think tht poor boy must be wondering what's taking me so long to reply! HAHA. sorry! :/ and well, shld be meeting up nxt week as well. wonder what we're going to do. why must SG be so small! HAHA >.<

♥ GENESIS!



Salvo; one big family! :>

somehow, th 2 weeks of training seems really short. it seriously don't feel lyk 2weeks at all. th concert feels as if it's only a mere 30mins, when it lasted lyk one and a half hours.

2weeks;10days. a definite thing tht bonds were strengthen-ed between each and everyone of us. this concert not only brought salvo to a different height, but also brought us closer as a group. last tym it was lyk different groups everywhere. but now, it's lyk one whole big grp, whereby everyone can just talk to anyone!

GENESIS; is a success i suppose! :>

♥ OH-NICE!



what a nice way to start th holidays! :>

YESTERDAY marks th day of my last paper, and i left th exam venue 45mins after th paper started when it's a 2hours paper. ohwells, i think th paper was manage-able, quite simliar to those past year papers. 3days of examinations pass by lyk a breeze, and i think maths is still th killer. if i manage to pass, i think i'll be more than happy. seriously.

off to meet tht smallboy after paper; th wait at th busstop was kinda scary. apart from th fact tht thr was a barking dog in th shop tht i was standing nxt to, thr was a scary looking man when i alighted from th bus. ohmy! :/ off to get tickets for wolfman after lunch at some noodles place. then to heeren to get slippers! and all thanks to him, i got a pair of black slippers free! :> so all in all, i have 5pairs of slippers at home! all from th same shop. can wear 5pairs of different slippers on each wkday alrdy! HAHAH!

wolfman wasn't a bad show; though it made me jump in my seat for some scenes. and all tht smallboy could do was laugh; what a saddist right! ohmy! HAHAH. accompany-ed him for dinner before heading home!
and well, i only realised he lent me his jacket for over a month, just ytd! HAHAH.

HOMEY day for me today. heading out wit steph tmr; chilling at some coffee-place i suppose. was thinking of going haji-lane. want to get those cute nice looking vintage sling-bags that i can bring out; those small kinds. or think just go to th osf shop @ fep tmr. shall see how! can't wait for tmr! :> but smallboy is going melaka for a short trip over th weekend, and leaving tmr. ohwells :/

♥ STRESS.



you, do that thing you do :>

life's been busy, and this spot of mine have been really kinda dead. ohwells, end sem exams are nxt week and airport seems to be my second home for this whole week. candy empire's earning big bucks from me, keep buying chocolates from there. HAHA! anyway, hope th effort th i've put in really pays off. i don't want any supp papers this sem. seriously :/

back to th airport wit th girls tmr to study, and as well as sunday. lyk what J says, i can just camp over at airport alrdy. save th trouble of travelling to and fro home and all alrdy! ohwells, tym check is 3:39am. ohmy, so late alrdy, didn't even notice th tym. reach-ed home abt 12plus1 today. chatted on th phone. chatting wit him ah, i can lyk laugh until i have stomach cramps. seriously. ohwell :>

thanks for th long chat; though i knw you were really tired. thanks for even bothering to call :>

♥ SAVLO-LOVE!



Awesome group of people! :>

SATURDAY. was awesome-ly good! :> started off wit moh coming over to my hse to study and all. was more of a sharing session than we doing some serious studying! when are you coming my hse for slp over ah? i'm waiting! HHAHAHA.

over for zingo's performance @republicPoly later in the evening. performance was great! during th intermission, thr's this small boy - super cute. he was lyk acting as if he's drumming and such, even got ending pose la! then C keep saying what want to recruit him to play in his drum! was damn funny! overall conclusion - tht small boy confirm got prospect! HAHAH.

home-d wit YW and HC there after! YAY! :>

♥ SUNSHINE!



♥ the company!

FRIDAY. was a waste time in school; spent 30mins complete-ing practice lab then can go alrdy. considering th fact tht lab teacher didn't even bothered to take attendance! ohmy! :/ and well, slacked arnd in sch for abit before heading to bishan to meet T and A. lunch-ed and all @pizzahut. chit-chatted here and there, lots of catching up going on! bump-ed into steph there too! should be meeting up wit her soon for dinner and such. it has been such a long tym since i last saw her and all. really miss those tyms we used to prac piano together! :>

left for school to drum after tht since was meeting tht boy ltr for movie oso! so decided to just go back sch to prac drum for awhile wit ZY and co. didn't prac alot though, cos lyk thr were so many ppl in th studio! soyupp, left arnd 6 to meet
tht boy before bus-ing to town for movie! :>

LEGION was an awesome show! though got some parts are kinda scary, i literally scream-ed in th movie theatre. but tht boy, happily laughed! funny ah. mos-ed for dinner before bus-ing home. YAY! :>
what a great day to start off the weekends right?

SHER'S A HAPPY GIRL! :>

♥ SPARKS.


somehow; i thought i miss you.

well, dk why have th feel to blog though it's alrdy 12:53am. and i usually don't have this feeling, considering th fact tht this blog isn't really updated at a very regular basis thats why! :/ ahhh okayy! today seems to be a lil stressful! lyk having th feel of tension and here and there. com prog's a totaly bitch, tht's making me have splitting headaches just by looking at those syallbus. so annoying, lyk why must i learn com programming. not as if i'll grow up programming computers! but thinking of it, after this sem; i'm over and done with! :>

training was okayy today i suppose. improvements i must say, but couldn't rmb parts of what we learnt today during preview earlier on. other than tht, think all i need is more practice! && attempted to jump up drum today! fail-ed terribly. lyk i seriously cannot jump :/ failed attempts resulted in countless laughter plus th many different blue-blacks on my thighs and shin! :/ other than tht, it's okayy! PRACTICE! :>

okayy, thr's school tmr. and i can't rmb if thr's anything i need to hand in or what-so-ever. 3-hours of pcb; dk what to expect. hopefully mr yan let us go off early, then i can lyk start on my book-craze again! ohya, i need to start studying for my psycho finall written exam alrdy! if not i can wave to mr fail alrdy! ohsnos! i just want a pass; pretty plssssss! :/

♥ NEW-BEGINNINGS!



i miss SJ-days.

alright, i realise-d i haven't updated since what seems lyk ages;

• submissions after submissions.
• and this few weeks, lectures have been a chore.
  
• i just can't seem to concentrate in school.
• train-ings as usual on monday & wednesday.
  
• upset with self on tyms i just can't rmb th rhytyms and such during preview.
  
• took up th courage to do sth tht i nvr thought i will.
  
• heart-breaking, but thought it wld be a choice for me to say it out.
• surprise-d moh on her 18th.
  
• dinner-ed plus catching up wit th girls.
  
• Songleng's birthday chalet.
  
• work-ed.
• barista-ed.
  
• sneeze-d lyk countless tyms.

that's all i can rmb so far. lyk mind's kinda blank now. actually waiting for someone to finish work before heading to bed. and apparently tht someone can still ask me who i'm waiting for! funny ah! ohwell, things been moving on quite okayy i suppose? family's getting settled down and such. lyk getting use to th situation and all. ohmyy, i can't wait for payday to come.
having to support oneself in terms of allowance is not fun! :<

BREAK!





yes, that's exactly what i'm feeling.


things happen-ed to fast that i can't believe i'm in th situation i'm in right now.
i feel so stress-ed up. i need a break, get out of th hse; get a breather. fuck it.