Tonight supposed to be one of those nights that i allow myself to let my hair loose and just enjoy myself, but that did not happened. I shouldn't have started th topic of my dad wit J before meeting the rest of th girls for timbre. It dampens th whole spirit of my own, and all i felt like doing was blending into the picture and left unknown. Feels like crap;

I'm so sorry girls, for not being a sport.

Humans are so afraid to look into each other's eyes and say " I am unhappy, I am broken, I am hopeless and fallable" We have been accustomed to associate pain with weakness, sadness with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with diseases, as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt be feared.

Was hopping from different blog-sites, and came across something that caught my attention. It was these chunk of words but, i just read on and that whole paragraph sets me thinking, quite abit.

Human as such, I am one of them. Often i find myself wallowed in my own thoughts but never did I once ever shared something with anyone - not totally. Th mask that i put on every other day, seems as much as the necessity to put on clothes every other day. Without this mask, i would feel insecure , naked and maybe a little out of place. It is this mask that i put myself in everyday, and it is this mask that people see me on th outside.

To many, i might seem like a person full joy - a total extrovent.

I am not a box, there's more than 4 sides of me.

i like photos with balloons in them, it makes me happy; as much as i don't like balloons bursting in my ears.

went back to school on thursday for lab, and all i do in class was play around wit photoshop and it's features. it was an outdoor lab session where students were asked to go out of the classroom and take photos for 2hours ; all i was left alone in th lab for abt one and half hour after th lecturer explains to me th basic functions of photohshop. boy, i was really bored. after completing, i spent my time watching harry potter on my phone - luckily i loaded onto my phone th previous night!

and did i mention tht brother just came back from bkk and he bought alot of stitch stuff for me, but someone it's of no use for me, except those iPhone casings, so cutee! :> i changed th hello kitty one off at tht instant. mummy drove to airport th night that brother arrived, and she was practically driving at 70km/h at th maximum, lucky i survived th trip - mummy haven't drove for ages! and i waited for bro and his friends and mummy in th car at th parking lot for so long, cos i didn't want to move around in crutches. thankfully ZY was entertaining me all long, okay.

one more week to 26/11! i simply can't wait for physio session, can't wait for th knee to bend so badly! but, i think it's not healed yet. have been trying not to wear th brace at home, cos it gets really irritating sometimes. just now when mummy accidentally tickled th sole of my left feet, i jerk and man it hurt a hell load i almost teared! so for th nxt few days, i'm going to be a good girl and have th brace on all th time except bath time. i want it to heal so badly!!! I MISS WALKING!! :<

dislocated a knee joint; knee brace-d and on crutches. thru this, i've seen through alot and felt sad in alot of areas. while typing this, i can feel tears forming. i miss my friend, alot. it's nth like before anymore, it feels as if history is repeating itself though, he claims nth is werid now.

at this point, i really feel lost. somehow. i needed you to be thr, but. i feel as if we were strangers. to be honest, there was nothing more than friends i was thinking. this whole thing is scarying me so badly, i can cry myself to slp every night. i turn to no one else now.

have been writing alot lately, but not on space but on literal book. kept aside a book on th desk, to pen down thoughts of which i thought it's worth remembering, or shld say - at least i've got a personal area to vent out to when i feel like. a book to write in, to me is so much easier than to share wit someone. cos on th other hand, he or she might be a good friend, but not someone that might have to th ultimate patience to hear all of my rants, or could totally take what i'm thinking.

life have been alright in school, at home and what not. i think i'm paying more attention in school this sem thus far, as compared to what i did last sem. though particular modules are just too boring for me to absorb when th lecture speaks in a very weird tone. th word "okay" sounds like "ogheeeyy". and it's suppose to be a technical subject, and she, makes it sounds like an english lesson. tell me about it; it just gets so annoying at times.

going to sentosa this coming friday wit salvopeeps, and i'm so looking forward to it! i want to get sunburnt, SO BADLY! can't wait can't wait can't wait! :> oh and i just downloaded ; i love you, philip morris into my phone, so tht i can watch it during long journey! YESYESYES! :>

Chalk, Wax and Paper.

over at jiahuan's hse now, camping in front of th laptop watching 90210 season 2 while th both is sleeping like a log. i'm so sleepy now, but somehow i can't fall aslp. i slept at 1am ytd and woke up at 4am, and couldn't get back to sleep after tht! work over at tanjong pagar cc today, registration was crazy cos thr were so many people yo!

and well, life's been okayy recently. i think i shld go back to reading and mayb some writing too. lots have been going through my mind recently, and i've kept it tht way cos i always forget to bring my notebook out wit me every single time.

thr was this time when on th way home from work and i somehow decided to take th longer route home from workplace, and i suddenly thought of daddy. i cried like a baby on th bus, and i felt as if people were giving me th weird stares, but i didn't really care then. i went home flipped through photo albums of when i was young and started tearing again. lucky enough, thr weren't anyone at home. i sat thr on th cold marble floor tearing so much till i got tired. i felt lost, th memories of daddy is still so vague in my mind.

just read through th eulogy LKY wrote for his wife, kindered alot of different emotions. i can totally feel his heart you know. i think i shld start writing letters to daddy - i should go get a box, and write letters and keep it inside th box. i knw daddy can read it, and he's always here wit me, just tht idk only. i should right?

LONG-LOST.

abandon-ed this space for a very long time, and i think it's time for me to update. i think i've been writing too much in th organizer book i carry around with me all th time, tht sometimes i feel as if my thoughts are over-powering what i really feel.

have been meeting up wit good old friends recently to study and to do some catching up. exams are tomorrow and i'm not totally prepared for it. i haven't fully covered every single thing tht i shld knw, and i'm only counting on luck tht i'm able to scrape through th paper! ohmy.

recent happenings includes salvo chalet, orchard hotel complimentary stay, stayover at LJ's hse at th very last minute, outing wit th salvo girls, it fair wit moh, short meet up wit SG wit macaroons and milktea! can't believe i haven't seen him in say 2 years, though we have been keeping in contact and what not. him updating me of his life, and me updating him and all. it's really kinda fascinating how alike we are in some ways! really heart warming to knw someone who knws and understands what and how you feel! seriously! hao peng you yo! :>

oh, and thru th week tht i've been back to sch, i bumped into W twice. th first was still okay, lyk i didn't really feel a thing. but th second time was a hit. my heart beat so fast, tht i thought it'll dropped out you knw. i didn't knw why. i was terrified, i was dumbfolded, i really wanted to scream and cry. le sighs, things shld have changed. so many months have passed! le sighs..

GETAWAY.

Blogging from korea naoooo - slacking around in dorm cos all of us is tired from shopping after a straight 7hours flight overnight. didn't get alot of sleep cos the plane wasn't that comfortable afterall, considering th fact tht some baby was crying or shld say wailing at th top of th her voice. ohmyyyy, but then i can't deny th fact tht th air-stewardess on th flight are really pretty! :>

So far, i've spent on cosmetic clothes and a pair of shoe of which all are bought at a relatively cheap price. seriously. bought a mascara, a eye liner and eye make-up remover at only 19000won, which is just abt 20++SGD! so happy wit all th gettings! :> we'll be heading out for dinner and more shopping soon! :>

ohh, and thr's dunkin doughnuts located just at th first level of th building tht i'm staying in right now! but, tht's not sth surprising here la, thr's lyk cafes everywhr! even the breadtalk here got sit in cafeteria you knw. HAHAH! okayy, i'm going to get change naooooooooo :>

hypothesis.

today's th 13th day, tomorrow marks 2 weeks. and 2weeks later, it'll be a mth.

things are pretty much th same for th past 2weeks. just that hp seems a lil quieter than usual, cos i'm kinda lazy to reply txt. and somehow or rather, i would really prefer myself to alone ; away from th crowd or shld say away from ppl. mayb it's lyk what Q say " you're tired. tired from showing ppl how happy you are, when in fact you are not. you just want to be away, and be yourself." ohwells, things will change for th better i hope. i don't want to stay in th cacoon i am in for too long!

"it doesn't matter. It's ancient history. But I was awake last night too. I have the same kind of feeling; something's changing. It's funny how things seem different, suddenly. This morning, i found myself staring at the light coming on the kitchen window - it made a long rectangle on the floor, and the shadows of new leaves were moving in it, making all their patterns. Such simple thing, but it was beautiful."

two weeks later, i'll be flying off to korea wit mp alrdy! can't wait, can't wait, can't wait. finally, a break from everything to a foreign land, whereby i can totally be myself! :> but i want to get a few things before i fly! i want to get tht blue bagpack, a new note book, tht grey-ish jacket thngy, those 3 novels i browsed thru while waiting for mp th other day! ohmy, why payday seems so far away when it's only 4days away! :(

oh, and i painted my nails blue for this week! (Y)

fourth day.

today's th fourth day tht th truth came upon light, and i'm still feeling a little empty. thr were moments i wanted to contact you so badly, but i just had to control myself and repeatedly tell myself tht what was before has officially ended. " no, i didn't. i treated you as a friend." this sentence haunts me so much, that it's even worse than a drug addict in rehabilitation. it has been ringing in my ears for th past 4days, tht sometyms th tears are uncontrollable, till crying to bed will soon become a habit forged. and for now, i'm trying to play pretend at my very best. what ppl see, will be a girl tht laughs alot, talks alot and is happy with th life she is in.

"she felt her own isolation acutely, the figures in the bar joined by a common purpose, the people moving arnd her on the sidewalk drawn along the lines of their lives to places she could not even imagine."

just today, while on the way to th zoo for c's outing wit th rest; th bus drove past th crematory place. thr was a sudden gush of emotions - so strong, i couldn't hold back my tears. flash images of what happened back then in december, makes me feel really sad. just few more mths, and it'll be daddy's death anniversary. i haven't totally accepted th fact that he's alrdy left us, and what we had of him were just memories of th past. i really want to ask daddy, how is he right now; i miss him. alot.

such issues, brings me back to th word life - what is it, & why am i living and experiencing all these that i'm going thru now? lyk what F said, thr's earth thr's human. if earth did not exist, what are we? during th dinosaur's era, we were borned yet, but what were we?

i want to run to a faraway place, so badly.

i think i can still wait

i miss those girls, lyk i haven't seen them in ages! :<

okayy, so life's pretty much th same recently except for th face tht these few days have been lyk a love-hate relationship kinda thngy between you and me. must really apologized for being a bitch though, saying th wrong things at th wrong tym, and saying things that i know i'll never mean it. i'm really sorry :<

1 week has passed ever since sch has started, and it has all been well. handed in assignments on time and whatsoever; public speaking speech was okayy, but i nearly teared in th midst of it. guess, i haven't really gotten over what has happened last december. ohwells,

ohohoh, and recently idk why but i just don't lyk to be in crowded areas. i will feel unwell wit too many people around, and th voices around me will tend to muffle with th overlapping of different voices. what i feel is lyk as if in those movies, whereby everything around you pauses and you just need time to yourself kinda thing. it is only recently tht i felt this way, seriously.

but, i'm really tired. and i'm sick of being tired alrdy. i think thr's something seriously wrong wit me. it's either i'm really changing dratically or things arnd me are changing and i can't keep up wit tym. i can't exactly say i'm numbed by th pain, th heartaches and whatsoever. cos every now and then, i feel th hole in chest churning so bad, tht sometyms i literally scream th pain off in my pillow then drift off to slp. thts why, somehow i'm really thankful for th sunburnt, cos i can feel th pain off my skin. and tht's lyk one of th few tyms i can express th pain so openly. i want to run away, away to a foreign land. whereby thr's no emotions, no friends. somewhr near th beach, hearing th waves makes me feel calm. but well, when reality hits - there's no turning back.

yes, that's exactly what i feel lyk doing now - just lying down on a patch of green, enjoying th sunset or just th pure starry sky! with no thoughts running through my mind; just want a relax moment, without any spiltting headaches.

; just got back from salvo camp ytd. to round up th camp, i think th camp was fun. though throughout th whole camp, i must confess tht i've got th i don't want to be involve in anything kind of mood. dk why also, lyk just wanted to blend into th picture, and tht's tht. ohwells, but i'm glad tht somehow i did put in th effort to you knw, show tht i was excited and all. think it's th tiredness i suppose, cos haven't been having sufficient rest recently. so sorry abt it yo! :/ and i can sort of feel tht th seniors are sort of bonded more? lyk we are more of a big grp now than having small grps everywhr kinda thng (Y)

; went back for training today, didn't stay throughout though. left at arnd 4plus wit L, cos both of us were working at 5. but but but, training was good! though got some parts of it, i was really lost. lyk couldn't grab what was taught by M and whatsoever. keep playing wrongly, turning at th wrong timing. so, i really need to practice practice practice!!!!!!!!

; work today was okayyyy, kinda slack cos it was a typical thursday evening. going down to help out for opening tmr before going to meet th rest of class at vivo for SENTOSA! can't wait, i'm going to slp and suntan at th same tym. this tym round, i'm really going to plug-in, set alarm, lie thr and suntan and slp! damn tiring, best tym to slp alrdy. so people, don't disturb me tmr okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! oh, and i'm meeting J and LJ tmr for dinner. it has been ages since i last saw LJ! (Y)

went down to watch zingo's combine performance at esplanade wit a bunch of noisy, crazy and fun group of ppl sometym recently. th performance lasted for abt 30mins, cos it was part of th singapore art's festival thngy. headed down to geylang for tauhuey wit a few of them before heading home together wit E,JY and JM. reached home kinda late, and i'm totally zonked out.

day 1 of freedom; pun intended! :>

okayy well, paper's pretty screwed for me today. but i think it's okayy, cos retail therepy makes me a happy girl today! :> and most importantly, day out wit gf is th best! :> lil updates here and there, and alot of things tht she shared made me think of you, and tht's very bad, very bad indeed. but ohwells, what was done cannot be undone, and can only be kept tht way. okayy, enough of those emo stuff.

shopping was very productive for us today, gf got herself a pair of shoe from newlook; i got 1 top from f21, 1 top from pull&bear, 1bottom from CO, 1 pair of shoe from newlook! (Y) spent lyk alot of money today, cos payday was just a few days back! HAHA! & upon reaching home, mummy asked me "你今天中马票是不是?" damn funny.

&&& we took a couple of nice photos today, and really felt lyk 2 small kids going out tgt. and taking photo at th fountain lyk as if we were tourists, but. it was fun! really! :> dk when will be nxt tym i'm going to see her, but it's okayy. th 9years of friendship tht we have, aren't shallow but really deep! :>

from th moment i sent tht txt, i think i've alrdy made a decision. to let go and move on wit th life i've now. but well, it's easier said than done. really. as i'm typing this down, i'm actually having tears at th brink of my eyes. idk what i'm crying for; like am i feeling sad cos i've lost sth really dear to me, sth tht i really held close to my heart for. and now it's gone.

somehow i'm glad i told you how i felt, but i actually did expect at least a reply from you, which i didn't. little did you knw tht when i type those words down, it sting me so bad tht i really feel lyk banging my head against th wall, and mayb i might just suffer a brain concussion. from tht, i can just forget abt everything tht has happened. i've told some close friends tht i've been thru th worst, and thr's nth more heart wrenching than tht. losing a guy is nvr as painful as losing a parent. th pain of losing a guy is just temporary and th feeling you've for tht guy will just fade off by time; wheras losing a parent is pain for a lifetime.

but what i'm feeling is tht, i'm getting a blow almost sequentially. th first blow in decemeber and another in april. my, it has been 6mths and 2mths respectively, and tht really sucks. sometimes i think so much, i start to hear voices in my head, so loud tht i just want to scream and tell them to shut th hell up. all those are making me annoyed wit me, myself and i.

like, what th fuck is wrong wit me.

it felt good chatting wit you, again. but now as a friend. i did not regret txt-ing you tht simple txt, and from thr we just continue-d on. and for tht, it meant alot to me. th air is cleared up abit, and thinking back. i think i was th one who is putting in too much of an iniative. once again, i'm sorry. but well, though things are changing for th better. i can't foresee tht we're meeting up any time soon also. your mp is starting soon, and tht means you'll only be free during th weekends. well, we'll see how then! :>

over to study at K's hse today, quite productive i must say. lyk we really stayed at our own table, and nvr talk. lyk just pure studying only. until i think both of us study until abit tired and all we started going abit high. lyk replying txt-s of each other phone. lyk she read my txt then use my phone reply, i read her txt and use her phone reply. and vice versa! so funny, made me laugh lyk mad! i'm going over to stay on monday before th stayover camp in sch on tues, wit SJ i think. YAY! can't wait!:>

okayy, i think i should hit th sack now. damn sleepy alrdy! going to slp to my fill, and wake up on time to go for MCT paper. goodnight people! :>

maths paper today was okayy i suppose. i dk how to do 2 question techinically speaking, if thr's no other careless mistakes! well, thr's netfund tmr and i haven't started studying yet. how great isn't it? HAHA! think going to start soon after i take a shower.

am having another splitting headache again! damn annoying, it's coming back again! but now's different, cos i can't go complaining to you alrdy, lyk before. but i guess, it's going to be alright. panadol don't seem to work anymore. think i'm immune to panadol alrdy. well, i don't exactly like th taste of it either.

; on th way home just now, i read on th bus. but somehow i knew my thoughts were running wild again. cos for th first tym, i felt th silence. serious, it was haunting - like a sting to my ears. this is bad, so very bad. but at least, th sting shutted after i indulge in deep reading. HAHAH! and i had my dinner home today! i lyk aunt's chicken soup! it's salty enough! :>

i've got a paper at 3.30 ltr, i hope i don't walk out of th room disappointed. but well, i guess 20marks is alrdy gone, cos i really dk how to draw graph! :/ HAHA! well, past week has been okayy i guess. just tht sometyms i think so much tht i feel th hole i alrdy have in my chest is alrdy exploding! serious.

i woke up this morning, having a thought about you, my friend. how we used to be, and if you out of th blue were to ask me out for a movie or sth, how would it be like? think i'm missing you and having thoughts about you too much than i really knew i am. but sometimes idk why i utter words tht i nvr want to say to you, but i did. and i guess, you're caught at your tongue and dk what to reply and such. but well, it's okayyy. i've promise myself, i'll not contact you anymore, unless you did. this time round, i'm going to mean what i said.

no longer, am i going to say anything. cos i suppose my words are nothing but just spears. okayy, take care my friend. i'm going to continue having you in my thoughts, and i don't care if people say i'm stupid or not. cos i really treasured what we were last tym. & even if last time were just pure innocence, and you didn't mean what you say. i'll hold steadfast to it. i just need tym to really let it go.

time check: 1.24am now.

it's a cold night and i'm cuddled up in an old sweat shirt tht i haven't wore for a few years!

okayyy, well. i can't figure why i'm not aslp at this tyming. maybe cos my hair's still wet,

maybe cos random thoughts are running thru my mind,

maybe cos on-going headaches that i've been having, oh maybe just maybe.

i think ED said sth really true today; when someone ask-ed you if you are okayy cos of th blank expression you have on your face, and then you answered and said it was nothing and tht you were just tired. it very much means tht you have thoughts running thru your mind and just dk how to put it down in words or simply did not want to share. i find it quite true, cos i think tht's what i've been doing lyk majority of me tym. it's lyk i have those thoughts in my mind, swimming thru non-stop and i very much want to scream it out or share it to someone. but somehow, i will have th feeling tht noone uds what i am thinking and feeling and it's really difficult for me to share exactly how i felt. plus it's really difficult to find someone who has similar mindsets as mind, and look at things th way i look at it.

i'm a person who get annoyed very easily and tht does not mean tht i'm not annoying at times. and for that, i apologized. i feel myself changing; i see myself moulding into someone tht i want to be. i picture myself as a carefree girl, showing emotions as and when i felt lyk but nothing related to matters of th heart. i suck at it, and i don't think i'll ever will improve. i've resigned to fate, and shall just let things go as it is.

just today, i was sharing wit F tht i very much want to see you wearing th shirt i've gotten for you for your bday. i've yet to see you wear it, and i doubt i will. think th only chance would be upon coincidences tht i bump into you in sch, and you're wearing th shirt. ohwells, i can't deny th fact tht every single tym i go to tht particular canteen during my breaks, my heart will just pound incredibly fast, that sometyms it's difficult to breathe. but, nth beats th feeling of having your thoughts run wild, and feel th hole in your chest wallowing even deeper - th screams that will nvr be heard.

to end off, i came across this qoute post on tumblr, and found it quite true

"Pretend you don't love him, just pretend. Then two things will happen; either he realises how much he misses you, or you'll realise tht you don't need him."