it's tym to kiss goodbye!

now dad reali seems as if he can't be bothered wit me at all.

for example; th night i arrived in singapore from korea,

he can't even be bothered to ask if i was okays when i'm coughing reali badly.

but all he did was scolded me for lending my phone to my friend to use in korea.

and then he went on nagging abt my phone bills;

but for what i tink my bills are actuali gg down instead of gg up.

sigh! wat to do, for now they do care abt bro more than me!!

okays, enough of that.

anyways, just now during th late afternoon,

met up wit eunice, fiona at gardens for some kbox kinda thng at "fantasy".

ivan and kenneth came along.

at first it was quite fun and all wit all those out of pitch singing at tyms.

but towards th end of th session, during and after hearing

wang lee hom's kiss goodbye, lots of thoughts & flashbacks hit me.

thoughts of tyms when i say mentioned i wanted to go MIA

and wonders of if i shld actuali put in action wat i mentioned.

i was wondering if it'll just be easy and all if i just didn't even appear at all.

then i would not need to go thru everythng.

but somehow, i do believe that God sent every single one of us onto earth

for a special task & shine for His glory.

however, i can't help but wonder if thr's reali a difference

if i'm present or not ;

cried on th way back home on th bus home & while walking home.

tried hard to hide those tears in but failed.

and now can't slp cos flashbacks came coming back,

thats why decided to come online.

misses.

will be at th airport in 7hours tym.

flight is at 8am.

am i excited? i dunno, maybe yes, maybe no.

yes cos it's th first tym i'm in korea, & i love winter.

no cos nobody will knw what's gonna happen next.

somehow, thr's lots i wanna say to alot of ppl.

but then, when a conversation starts,

it's jus a plain bonvoyage, takecare & goodbye.

thr's still so many thngs i wanna say,

but somethng seems to be preventing me from doing so.

these days, i dunno why?

once night falls or when i'm alone, it's th tym when i tink th most;

and tink things for th worse.

gosh!! this is bad, and this is not gg to bring me anywhr. i dunno.

i'm confused, stuck in a situation i reali wanna get out of!!!

sometym i wonder why i'm showing a facade in front of ppl,

and why am i always acting everythng is fine, when it obviously not.

it's jus wierd having thoughts of th same over and over again.

i don't like it, & i want it out of my brain!!! i can't stand it anymore

-sigh!- howhowhow?

shld i or shld i not call bestfriend now ?

or shld i just go MIA?

memories.

once again, lots of thoughts came upon today;

went school in th morning, handed up stuff and cabbed home.

changed and off to vivo to meet bestfriend.

bought shower gel and body lotion from bodyshop for upcoming korea trip.

walked arnd, and didn't get to buy my toe socks.

abt 1plusl left vivo for pp, to collect bag.

on th trip back to pp, tears that i've been holding back

since th starting of th day start to flow,

& i knew bestfriend was sort of worried and pissed at th same tym.

i didn't knw how to put th reason i cried into words.

i'm reali sorry.

waited for bestfriend to return wit bag at some building as it was raining.

while waiting for bus, i told bestfriend th reason why i cried.

i cried cos, thoughts of th world arnd me changing upon my return from korea,

made me reali afraid and lost at th same tym.

i was reali fearful that everythng will just change when i'm away.

lyk having bestfriend and wife, turning a back at me;

having th CG totally forget that i even exist;

& worst of all, having noone realise that i'm not in SG for th past week,

& tt even if i've reali gone MIA, noone will even realise.

but somehow, i suddenly rmb-ed what bestfriend told me when having lunch

" if you go MIA, i'll call your phone until bao! & if u go MIA, i'm gg to kill u."

it some sort, comforted me in a sense.

& guess what, while playing a fool at th busstop,

and when my bus arrives, i suddenly wanted to hug bestfriend,

but it turned out to be a laughing stock.

saddening right?

for now, i seriously and reali feel lyk hugging someone reali tight.

okays, i'm done!!

ohohoh, i'm leaving for korea in less than 48hours tym.

& i'm starting to miss bestfriend;

i'm starting to miss church!!

cold winter.

i don't want to do what i'm doing now.

my heart aches th moment i speak words i don't wanna say.

i just wanna say thngs my heart reali speaks.

but somehow when i try, it'll fail.

i reali wished to ask those questions,

but whatever thngs that comes out from my mouth seems to be in contradictions.

it's not onli you that miss th old shermagne tang.

i miss it too!!! i want my old self back; i want to be th same as before.

i want to tell you how much i miss those times;

how much i miss those trips to

TP library, AMK library, SK library, AMK hub, TP hub, TP entertainment centre's mac,

Queens ikea, Vivo starbucks, Vivo DIY fix shop, Vivo mart;

those walks from AMK library to AMK hub,

those walks from TP library to TP hub,

those nonsense that were done in th library, TP mac, queens ikea;

those bus rides from TP to serangoon, from AMK to serangoon;

those toastbox treats and those red tea treats from sweet talk;

& most of all i miss those long chats until th wee hours of th morning.

i remembered, once we chatted all th way till 3am in th morning.

i remembered, those tyms when i called you crying and u didn't knw what to do.

i remembered, u wanted to sacrificed your study time just to acc me.

gosh!! thr's so many thngs that i want to do again.

i want an encore!!

tyms when i said i want to go MIA, you were pissed.

at that moment, i wanted to ask you if u knew how tired i were,

trying to please everyone arnd me,

but all i needed was jus a phone call or a simple msg.

i wanted to tell you so many thngs that somehow i just spoke in contradictions.

i dunno why?

all i know is i reali miss th old me. alot.

mayb more than you even knw.

period.

afraid and lost.

today was much of showing off facade.

i was just wondering if thngs were starting to change.

alot.

thr's lots of thngs i want to rant abt;

thr's lots of thngs i want to say & thr's lots of stuff that i wanna ask.

i want to seek advise from bestfriend,

but recently, i just can't seem to bring myself from doing so.

i dunno why? mayb it's just me.

it's just this somethng that is keeping me from doing so.

frankly speaking, i miss my old self.

when everythng is jus "happy-go-lucky" kinda thng ;

but now, i just seem to think alot into situations.

i'm getting sensitive, very.

nobody reali knws what i'm thinking.

sometyms, i feel that i speak in contradictions that noone is aware off.

solitude; somethng that i nvr want to experience.

i dunno why? mayb it's just me being too dependant.

oh God, please help me. help me get rid of those unspoken doubts,

that me myself might not be aware of.

right now, i feel lyk gg to th beach ;

listen to th calm clashing waves, having th cool breeze blow into my face ;

& having me sorting out th sophisicated thoughts

that me myself can't seem to get hold of.

okays, period.

night jogs! (:

hello people!!

i just got back from my night jog wit bro a few moments ago.

it's total shiok-ness man!!! haven't been exercising, so that explains.

ran th estate twice and cool-ed down doing 60 crutches.

trust me, it's shiok!! (:

oh, and one good thng abt night jogs is that

when you're jogging, you're in th dark and no one can see what's ur expression.

it's best when it's drizzling!!!

anyways, enough of night jogging.

early morning had LTC meeting in school, and almost couldn't wake up.

but thank God i made it thr on tym! (:

normal routine; discussion, presentation and de-briefing.

& then was dismissed.

was suppose to meet bestfriend for breakfast but yeah, in th end didn't.

so waited for lijie to finish her banner stuff then walk wit her go CP.

it was then 11plus alrdy. by th tym i reached home it was nearly 12.

so quickly go bathe and changed and ran to mason's place

since CG starts at 12.15 !!!

for wat i think, CG was best today as it sets me to think abt my own life and all.

5 obstacles which prevents you to have a Breakthrough

1) past bondages

2) present hesistation

3) fear for th future

4) temptation

5) lack of resources

th CG today made me think of lots of stuff, and when jared asked to reflect;

flashbacks came back and then i realise lyk before i was in doubts;

i haven't let go of histories tt happened long long tym ago.

& that leads to having present hesistation, when i questioned myself,

why do i always have thoughts of God foretting abt me,

& leaving me all alone during th lowest point of tym;

why wasn't my prayers answered?

& this led to fear of th future;

deep down inside me, i knw that my faith in God wasn't as strong as when i first

joined church. and this made me questioned myself, what had happened?

it is obviously my problem and not God.

& once again, th words of jared touched my heart when he mentioned

that once we engage in th holy spirit

& obeys what th holy spirit nudges you to do,

it is when you'll see yourself growing in th spiritual mirror. ( 2 corinthians 3:18)

overall, CG was awesome today!! (:

however, on th way to TP in bus 153, flashbacks came back;

and therefore started tearing in th bus.

at tt moment, i was sort of angry wit myself.

cos why? cos at that moment, i felt lyk calling bestfriend to rant;

but i didn't. cos i knew one day i had to stand on my own.

it's lyk wat jared preaches before,

if one day, thr is no one left to encourage you, you've to learn to encourage urself.

soyeah, though today was a day when many thoughts was encountered;

much tears was lost;

but finally as for today, i know i love God more than ytd & than history.

ALLELUIA! PRAISE THE LORD!!! (:

pointless.

life since pointless at this point of tym. seriously, and thats period.
i tink i should just isolate myself from this world,
and onli do thngs that i need to do.
it's lyk th whole world has it's back on me,
and reali i jus find it pointless.
at th lowest point of tym, when thngs just don't go right.
and tears and crying seemms to be th onli solution.
when thngs go wrong, i reali wish i could turn to someone
who will listen, someone who will understand what i'm gg thru.
i reali wish i would have someone i could run up crying
and pour out every single worries and doubts i have.
but who? everyone seems to be speaking in contradictions.
sometyms i wonder if does it even matter if an accident occurs?
does it even matter if i just suddenly went MIA?
do people even realise that i'm missing?
and answers from th ppl arnd me just made me understands & find th solutions
to th many doubts. does it reali matter that much?
maybe it's just me,
but it just hurts so much when ppl close to your heart,
say thngs that you never ever want to hear from them.
and a simple conclusion has derived.
" you don't make a difference, and whatever you've done will nvr be enough.
you just have to accept thngs as it is,
and in your life. it is onli you, and youstand in solitude."
period, i'll be gg on hiatus.

rainy.

updates!


SATURDAY; 101107
woke up finding th hse empty,
and therefore decided to slp a lil longer.
arnd 1215, left home for cg at mason place.
cg started off wit a short prayer meeting.
we prayed for jared, we prayed for th arise and build.
overall, cg meeting was still alright.
after that, went punggol cc to play badminton,
and left arnd 5plus6.


SUNDAY; 111107
dad don't allow me to attend service,
and that i was pretty upset.
in th afternoon went to queensway to buy my shoe,
and finally gotten a pair of adidas original!!
thanks mum!! (: returned home, finding not a meaning to do anythng.
slept thru late afternoon till night,
waking up feeling hungry.
thr wasn't any food, and no one was at home.
switched on th television, watched fantastic4,
and finally mum and aunt returned home.
continued watching th noose, and it was damn funny. (:
used th com till abt 11plus,
and decided it was tym to slp, and then i walked into my room.
lying on th bed; i just couldn't fall aslp.
thoughts of th past week came into mind,
and questions i asked God, why was it unfair to me?
why me? why me? why me?
i just don't get it. why i got treated in a manner,
a total opposite from what i've given in.
i just don't get it, and i continued to question.
tears of doubt, tears of fear, tears of guiltiness just flowed.
i couldn't stop, flashbacks appears.
then i thought of why didn't i have th courage to pray during cg on saturday.
i knew i had lots to say, i knew i had lots to pray for.
but it's th fear thats inside me stopping me from doing so.
then i started to question God again.
" why Lord, why didn't you give th courage? i knew i needed to pray,
but i just didn't dare to."
as i continue tearing, i prayed even harder.
i needed a breakthrough, that will bring my spiritual life to a higher level.
and once again, th tiny voice inside spoke:
" 72hours. this lil sacrifice will in turn make u realise that God is real.
and God loves you no matter wat happens. you just have to rmb,
your world does not framed arnd what ppl say but by th words of th holy.
behold, God do not send you out to this world for nothing.
but for somethng so special. patience. "
somehow, these words stop my tears from flowing.
i could not slp th entire night,

thoughts just kept coming back.

fasting. praying.

emotions.

hello world!!!!
suddenly, i've got th random thoughts.
& th word friendship came into my mind ;
friendship, one of th most impt in my life.
having friendship forged between 2individuals,
is lyk being in a relationship, but a lasting one.
being th same of being in a r/s, applies in friendships, it needs 2 hands to clap.
what's th point of having a friend who is always recieving and not giving;
being tolerated and not tolerant;
being consoled and not consoling;
somehow, flashbacks came back after a small chat wit wife in th afternoon.
and thinking of th friendships i had and have,
i reali thank God for th many different friends that i met.
though sometyms, i do have my question marks.
it's lyk having putting in so much effort but in return? disappointments.
thinking again, ppl do come and go.
but i reali Thank God for friends lyk wife and bestfriend ;
& reali Thank God for those disappointments.
it's kinda wierd u might find, why i thank God for those disappointing friendships?
for them, i believe it's sent by God as a chance for me to improve myself.
it's a chance for me to improve my patience, since i'm not a very pratient person.
& as for wife and bestfriend,
it's just th tiny wini lil thngs that they do,
that reali touch my heart even during my lowest point of tym.
so in short, friendship to me is lyk an invisible bondage between 2 individuals.
it's seriously up to oneself th path and choice that you wanna take.
to end off ;
"Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain."

- phillipians 2: 14-16

G6 is over!!

heyheys people!!

actuali thr's lots for me to update but i'm sort of lazy,

soyeah, i shall do th updating some other tym.

but for now, shall update abt today!!

woke up real early to study for G6 theory exam which starts at 1400hrs.

studied for lyk abt 2hours,

then started doing david's and dannon's bday card.

used spray paint, and now my room sort of smell lyk it,

guess it will be better after a few more sprays of air freshener.

okays, then arnd 12plus, left home for tiong bahru.

and guess what, i lost my way!!!

i just couldn't find " PSB academy" when i stepped out of th mrt.

and smart sher, followed th crowd and manage to find my way thr.

hahaha :DDDDDDD

wasn't reali nervous before th exam

and reali thank God for th peace and everythng before th exam started.

and once th clock strike 1400, th 3hours paper started.

not bad i guess, th paper was manageable.

thank God for that too!!! :DDDDDDDDDD

finished paper 2hours ltr and started checking and redo-ing some of th questions.

handed up script and left exam room at 1630hrs.

gosh!!!

and thank God th paper is over!!!

and some how i could see myself getting a merit for th paper!!

ALLELUIA!! PRAISE THE LORD!! (: