maths paper today was okayy i suppose. i dk how to do 2 question techinically speaking, if thr's no other careless mistakes! well, thr's netfund tmr and i haven't started studying yet. how great isn't it? HAHA! think going to start soon after i take a shower.

am having another splitting headache again! damn annoying, it's coming back again! but now's different, cos i can't go complaining to you alrdy, lyk before. but i guess, it's going to be alright. panadol don't seem to work anymore. think i'm immune to panadol alrdy. well, i don't exactly like th taste of it either.

; on th way home just now, i read on th bus. but somehow i knew my thoughts were running wild again. cos for th first tym, i felt th silence. serious, it was haunting - like a sting to my ears. this is bad, so very bad. but at least, th sting shutted after i indulge in deep reading. HAHAH! and i had my dinner home today! i lyk aunt's chicken soup! it's salty enough! :>

i've got a paper at 3.30 ltr, i hope i don't walk out of th room disappointed. but well, i guess 20marks is alrdy gone, cos i really dk how to draw graph! :/ HAHA! well, past week has been okayy i guess. just tht sometyms i think so much tht i feel th hole i alrdy have in my chest is alrdy exploding! serious.

i woke up this morning, having a thought about you, my friend. how we used to be, and if you out of th blue were to ask me out for a movie or sth, how would it be like? think i'm missing you and having thoughts about you too much than i really knew i am. but sometimes idk why i utter words tht i nvr want to say to you, but i did. and i guess, you're caught at your tongue and dk what to reply and such. but well, it's okayyy. i've promise myself, i'll not contact you anymore, unless you did. this time round, i'm going to mean what i said.

no longer, am i going to say anything. cos i suppose my words are nothing but just spears. okayy, take care my friend. i'm going to continue having you in my thoughts, and i don't care if people say i'm stupid or not. cos i really treasured what we were last tym. & even if last time were just pure innocence, and you didn't mean what you say. i'll hold steadfast to it. i just need tym to really let it go.

time check: 1.24am now.

it's a cold night and i'm cuddled up in an old sweat shirt tht i haven't wore for a few years!

okayyy, well. i can't figure why i'm not aslp at this tyming. maybe cos my hair's still wet,

maybe cos random thoughts are running thru my mind,

maybe cos on-going headaches that i've been having, oh maybe just maybe.

i think ED said sth really true today; when someone ask-ed you if you are okayy cos of th blank expression you have on your face, and then you answered and said it was nothing and tht you were just tired. it very much means tht you have thoughts running thru your mind and just dk how to put it down in words or simply did not want to share. i find it quite true, cos i think tht's what i've been doing lyk majority of me tym. it's lyk i have those thoughts in my mind, swimming thru non-stop and i very much want to scream it out or share it to someone. but somehow, i will have th feeling tht noone uds what i am thinking and feeling and it's really difficult for me to share exactly how i felt. plus it's really difficult to find someone who has similar mindsets as mind, and look at things th way i look at it.

i'm a person who get annoyed very easily and tht does not mean tht i'm not annoying at times. and for that, i apologized. i feel myself changing; i see myself moulding into someone tht i want to be. i picture myself as a carefree girl, showing emotions as and when i felt lyk but nothing related to matters of th heart. i suck at it, and i don't think i'll ever will improve. i've resigned to fate, and shall just let things go as it is.

just today, i was sharing wit F tht i very much want to see you wearing th shirt i've gotten for you for your bday. i've yet to see you wear it, and i doubt i will. think th only chance would be upon coincidences tht i bump into you in sch, and you're wearing th shirt. ohwells, i can't deny th fact tht every single tym i go to tht particular canteen during my breaks, my heart will just pound incredibly fast, that sometyms it's difficult to breathe. but, nth beats th feeling of having your thoughts run wild, and feel th hole in your chest wallowing even deeper - th screams that will nvr be heard.

to end off, i came across this qoute post on tumblr, and found it quite true

"Pretend you don't love him, just pretend. Then two things will happen; either he realises how much he misses you, or you'll realise tht you don't need him."

no pictures for today; very lazy to find and post.
how to summarize what i've been feeling; "it's saddening to knw we've distance-ed, but thr's nothing i can do abt it." okayy, ohweells. shopping wit F on friday was alright, especially those tyms we laugh-ed and talked abt some stuff here and thr. but didn't manage to get anything tht i wanna get. lyk my yellow shoes and blue backpack! :<>

and somehow i realised, after we stop contacting very much, i found myself happier somehow. but i preferred you to care, and tht's all i can ask for. i would want to go out wit you again, i would want to hear you say those words you use-d to say. but i guess you would nvr knw. think all you feel is me being a stupid bug saying things tht you don't wish to hear, and thus not knwing what to reply. it's either you are tired of telling me how much you care, or you not wanting to repeating what you've said. ohwells, either ways. i would rather you tell me. i want you to bother and give me tht least bit of attention again. really. sighs.

much was spoken today; thoughts and disappointments was shared. tears were shed, some even got up and left th room in a bang. after so much was spoken, i felt numb somehow. numb-ed not because i didn't take in anything tht was said, numb-ed cos of what i've tried to put in but did not achieve. a contradiction isn't it?

but, i really did put in th effort to remember, to put into place what was taught. but i just can't. sometyms learning it, almost brings me to tears. cos i just can't get it right. me too, want to find back tht "fighting spirit" i had during concert preparation. those pushing over th limit feel tht almost everyone of us can feel from each other. i believe we can, we just need to push ourselves harder; beyond th improvements we alrdy have.

my mind's in a mess for th pass few days. regretted some stuff tht i said over a phone conversation tht might very much might be th last convo. dk when will be th nxt tym we're going to speak or start to communicate wit each other again. ohwells. i should just pretend that i'm okayy, and my life's moving on lyk it used to. just tht i sort of hate it, when my mind drift off so much tht th headache that seems to be permanent doesn't make things better.


tmr's th start of a new sch week yet again, and it also means tht th new juniors are coming in for their very first training tmr, which also means tht it's going to be day1 of being a senior tmr! ohmy. kind of excited, but on th other hand dk what to expect and all. wo men yi qi jiayou ba! :>


; to end of, i think human being human. lives in contradiction so much, tht we don't really truely knw what we want. no pun intended. lyk what leonard told me ytd, "We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones that ignore us, love the ones who hurt us and hurt the ones who love us." don't you find it kind of true?