hypothesis.

today's th 13th day, tomorrow marks 2 weeks. and 2weeks later, it'll be a mth.

things are pretty much th same for th past 2weeks. just that hp seems a lil quieter than usual, cos i'm kinda lazy to reply txt. and somehow or rather, i would really prefer myself to alone ; away from th crowd or shld say away from ppl. mayb it's lyk what Q say " you're tired. tired from showing ppl how happy you are, when in fact you are not. you just want to be away, and be yourself." ohwells, things will change for th better i hope. i don't want to stay in th cacoon i am in for too long!

"it doesn't matter. It's ancient history. But I was awake last night too. I have the same kind of feeling; something's changing. It's funny how things seem different, suddenly. This morning, i found myself staring at the light coming on the kitchen window - it made a long rectangle on the floor, and the shadows of new leaves were moving in it, making all their patterns. Such simple thing, but it was beautiful."

two weeks later, i'll be flying off to korea wit mp alrdy! can't wait, can't wait, can't wait. finally, a break from everything to a foreign land, whereby i can totally be myself! :> but i want to get a few things before i fly! i want to get tht blue bagpack, a new note book, tht grey-ish jacket thngy, those 3 novels i browsed thru while waiting for mp th other day! ohmy, why payday seems so far away when it's only 4days away! :(

oh, and i painted my nails blue for this week! (Y)

fourth day.

today's th fourth day tht th truth came upon light, and i'm still feeling a little empty. thr were moments i wanted to contact you so badly, but i just had to control myself and repeatedly tell myself tht what was before has officially ended. " no, i didn't. i treated you as a friend." this sentence haunts me so much, that it's even worse than a drug addict in rehabilitation. it has been ringing in my ears for th past 4days, tht sometyms th tears are uncontrollable, till crying to bed will soon become a habit forged. and for now, i'm trying to play pretend at my very best. what ppl see, will be a girl tht laughs alot, talks alot and is happy with th life she is in.

"she felt her own isolation acutely, the figures in the bar joined by a common purpose, the people moving arnd her on the sidewalk drawn along the lines of their lives to places she could not even imagine."

just today, while on the way to th zoo for c's outing wit th rest; th bus drove past th crematory place. thr was a sudden gush of emotions - so strong, i couldn't hold back my tears. flash images of what happened back then in december, makes me feel really sad. just few more mths, and it'll be daddy's death anniversary. i haven't totally accepted th fact that he's alrdy left us, and what we had of him were just memories of th past. i really want to ask daddy, how is he right now; i miss him. alot.

such issues, brings me back to th word life - what is it, & why am i living and experiencing all these that i'm going thru now? lyk what F said, thr's earth thr's human. if earth did not exist, what are we? during th dinosaur's era, we were borned yet, but what were we?

i want to run to a faraway place, so badly.

i think i can still wait

i miss those girls, lyk i haven't seen them in ages! :<

okayy, so life's pretty much th same recently except for th face tht these few days have been lyk a love-hate relationship kinda thngy between you and me. must really apologized for being a bitch though, saying th wrong things at th wrong tym, and saying things that i know i'll never mean it. i'm really sorry :<

1 week has passed ever since sch has started, and it has all been well. handed in assignments on time and whatsoever; public speaking speech was okayy, but i nearly teared in th midst of it. guess, i haven't really gotten over what has happened last december. ohwells,

ohohoh, and recently idk why but i just don't lyk to be in crowded areas. i will feel unwell wit too many people around, and th voices around me will tend to muffle with th overlapping of different voices. what i feel is lyk as if in those movies, whereby everything around you pauses and you just need time to yourself kinda thing. it is only recently tht i felt this way, seriously.

but, i'm really tired. and i'm sick of being tired alrdy. i think thr's something seriously wrong wit me. it's either i'm really changing dratically or things arnd me are changing and i can't keep up wit tym. i can't exactly say i'm numbed by th pain, th heartaches and whatsoever. cos every now and then, i feel th hole in chest churning so bad, tht sometyms i literally scream th pain off in my pillow then drift off to slp. thts why, somehow i'm really thankful for th sunburnt, cos i can feel th pain off my skin. and tht's lyk one of th few tyms i can express th pain so openly. i want to run away, away to a foreign land. whereby thr's no emotions, no friends. somewhr near th beach, hearing th waves makes me feel calm. but well, when reality hits - there's no turning back.

yes, that's exactly what i feel lyk doing now - just lying down on a patch of green, enjoying th sunset or just th pure starry sky! with no thoughts running through my mind; just want a relax moment, without any spiltting headaches.

; just got back from salvo camp ytd. to round up th camp, i think th camp was fun. though throughout th whole camp, i must confess tht i've got th i don't want to be involve in anything kind of mood. dk why also, lyk just wanted to blend into th picture, and tht's tht. ohwells, but i'm glad tht somehow i did put in th effort to you knw, show tht i was excited and all. think it's th tiredness i suppose, cos haven't been having sufficient rest recently. so sorry abt it yo! :/ and i can sort of feel tht th seniors are sort of bonded more? lyk we are more of a big grp now than having small grps everywhr kinda thng (Y)

; went back for training today, didn't stay throughout though. left at arnd 4plus wit L, cos both of us were working at 5. but but but, training was good! though got some parts of it, i was really lost. lyk couldn't grab what was taught by M and whatsoever. keep playing wrongly, turning at th wrong timing. so, i really need to practice practice practice!!!!!!!!

; work today was okayyyy, kinda slack cos it was a typical thursday evening. going down to help out for opening tmr before going to meet th rest of class at vivo for SENTOSA! can't wait, i'm going to slp and suntan at th same tym. this tym round, i'm really going to plug-in, set alarm, lie thr and suntan and slp! damn tiring, best tym to slp alrdy. so people, don't disturb me tmr okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! oh, and i'm meeting J and LJ tmr for dinner. it has been ages since i last saw LJ! (Y)

went down to watch zingo's combine performance at esplanade wit a bunch of noisy, crazy and fun group of ppl sometym recently. th performance lasted for abt 30mins, cos it was part of th singapore art's festival thngy. headed down to geylang for tauhuey wit a few of them before heading home together wit E,JY and JM. reached home kinda late, and i'm totally zonked out.

day 1 of freedom; pun intended! :>

okayy well, paper's pretty screwed for me today. but i think it's okayy, cos retail therepy makes me a happy girl today! :> and most importantly, day out wit gf is th best! :> lil updates here and there, and alot of things tht she shared made me think of you, and tht's very bad, very bad indeed. but ohwells, what was done cannot be undone, and can only be kept tht way. okayy, enough of those emo stuff.

shopping was very productive for us today, gf got herself a pair of shoe from newlook; i got 1 top from f21, 1 top from pull&bear, 1bottom from CO, 1 pair of shoe from newlook! (Y) spent lyk alot of money today, cos payday was just a few days back! HAHA! & upon reaching home, mummy asked me "你今天中马票是不是?" damn funny.

&&& we took a couple of nice photos today, and really felt lyk 2 small kids going out tgt. and taking photo at th fountain lyk as if we were tourists, but. it was fun! really! :> dk when will be nxt tym i'm going to see her, but it's okayy. th 9years of friendship tht we have, aren't shallow but really deep! :>

from th moment i sent tht txt, i think i've alrdy made a decision. to let go and move on wit th life i've now. but well, it's easier said than done. really. as i'm typing this down, i'm actually having tears at th brink of my eyes. idk what i'm crying for; like am i feeling sad cos i've lost sth really dear to me, sth tht i really held close to my heart for. and now it's gone.

somehow i'm glad i told you how i felt, but i actually did expect at least a reply from you, which i didn't. little did you knw tht when i type those words down, it sting me so bad tht i really feel lyk banging my head against th wall, and mayb i might just suffer a brain concussion. from tht, i can just forget abt everything tht has happened. i've told some close friends tht i've been thru th worst, and thr's nth more heart wrenching than tht. losing a guy is nvr as painful as losing a parent. th pain of losing a guy is just temporary and th feeling you've for tht guy will just fade off by time; wheras losing a parent is pain for a lifetime.

but what i'm feeling is tht, i'm getting a blow almost sequentially. th first blow in decemeber and another in april. my, it has been 6mths and 2mths respectively, and tht really sucks. sometimes i think so much, i start to hear voices in my head, so loud tht i just want to scream and tell them to shut th hell up. all those are making me annoyed wit me, myself and i.

like, what th fuck is wrong wit me.

it felt good chatting wit you, again. but now as a friend. i did not regret txt-ing you tht simple txt, and from thr we just continue-d on. and for tht, it meant alot to me. th air is cleared up abit, and thinking back. i think i was th one who is putting in too much of an iniative. once again, i'm sorry. but well, though things are changing for th better. i can't foresee tht we're meeting up any time soon also. your mp is starting soon, and tht means you'll only be free during th weekends. well, we'll see how then! :>

over to study at K's hse today, quite productive i must say. lyk we really stayed at our own table, and nvr talk. lyk just pure studying only. until i think both of us study until abit tired and all we started going abit high. lyk replying txt-s of each other phone. lyk she read my txt then use my phone reply, i read her txt and use her phone reply. and vice versa! so funny, made me laugh lyk mad! i'm going over to stay on monday before th stayover camp in sch on tues, wit SJ i think. YAY! can't wait!:>

okayy, i think i should hit th sack now. damn sleepy alrdy! going to slp to my fill, and wake up on time to go for MCT paper. goodnight people! :>

maths paper today was okayy i suppose. i dk how to do 2 question techinically speaking, if thr's no other careless mistakes! well, thr's netfund tmr and i haven't started studying yet. how great isn't it? HAHA! think going to start soon after i take a shower.

am having another splitting headache again! damn annoying, it's coming back again! but now's different, cos i can't go complaining to you alrdy, lyk before. but i guess, it's going to be alright. panadol don't seem to work anymore. think i'm immune to panadol alrdy. well, i don't exactly like th taste of it either.

; on th way home just now, i read on th bus. but somehow i knew my thoughts were running wild again. cos for th first tym, i felt th silence. serious, it was haunting - like a sting to my ears. this is bad, so very bad. but at least, th sting shutted after i indulge in deep reading. HAHAH! and i had my dinner home today! i lyk aunt's chicken soup! it's salty enough! :>

i've got a paper at 3.30 ltr, i hope i don't walk out of th room disappointed. but well, i guess 20marks is alrdy gone, cos i really dk how to draw graph! :/ HAHA! well, past week has been okayy i guess. just tht sometyms i think so much tht i feel th hole i alrdy have in my chest is alrdy exploding! serious.

i woke up this morning, having a thought about you, my friend. how we used to be, and if you out of th blue were to ask me out for a movie or sth, how would it be like? think i'm missing you and having thoughts about you too much than i really knew i am. but sometimes idk why i utter words tht i nvr want to say to you, but i did. and i guess, you're caught at your tongue and dk what to reply and such. but well, it's okayyy. i've promise myself, i'll not contact you anymore, unless you did. this time round, i'm going to mean what i said.

no longer, am i going to say anything. cos i suppose my words are nothing but just spears. okayy, take care my friend. i'm going to continue having you in my thoughts, and i don't care if people say i'm stupid or not. cos i really treasured what we were last tym. & even if last time were just pure innocence, and you didn't mean what you say. i'll hold steadfast to it. i just need tym to really let it go.

time check: 1.24am now.

it's a cold night and i'm cuddled up in an old sweat shirt tht i haven't wore for a few years!

okayyy, well. i can't figure why i'm not aslp at this tyming. maybe cos my hair's still wet,

maybe cos random thoughts are running thru my mind,

maybe cos on-going headaches that i've been having, oh maybe just maybe.

i think ED said sth really true today; when someone ask-ed you if you are okayy cos of th blank expression you have on your face, and then you answered and said it was nothing and tht you were just tired. it very much means tht you have thoughts running thru your mind and just dk how to put it down in words or simply did not want to share. i find it quite true, cos i think tht's what i've been doing lyk majority of me tym. it's lyk i have those thoughts in my mind, swimming thru non-stop and i very much want to scream it out or share it to someone. but somehow, i will have th feeling tht noone uds what i am thinking and feeling and it's really difficult for me to share exactly how i felt. plus it's really difficult to find someone who has similar mindsets as mind, and look at things th way i look at it.

i'm a person who get annoyed very easily and tht does not mean tht i'm not annoying at times. and for that, i apologized. i feel myself changing; i see myself moulding into someone tht i want to be. i picture myself as a carefree girl, showing emotions as and when i felt lyk but nothing related to matters of th heart. i suck at it, and i don't think i'll ever will improve. i've resigned to fate, and shall just let things go as it is.

just today, i was sharing wit F tht i very much want to see you wearing th shirt i've gotten for you for your bday. i've yet to see you wear it, and i doubt i will. think th only chance would be upon coincidences tht i bump into you in sch, and you're wearing th shirt. ohwells, i can't deny th fact tht every single tym i go to tht particular canteen during my breaks, my heart will just pound incredibly fast, that sometyms it's difficult to breathe. but, nth beats th feeling of having your thoughts run wild, and feel th hole in your chest wallowing even deeper - th screams that will nvr be heard.

to end off, i came across this qoute post on tumblr, and found it quite true

"Pretend you don't love him, just pretend. Then two things will happen; either he realises how much he misses you, or you'll realise tht you don't need him."

no pictures for today; very lazy to find and post.
how to summarize what i've been feeling; "it's saddening to knw we've distance-ed, but thr's nothing i can do abt it." okayy, ohweells. shopping wit F on friday was alright, especially those tyms we laugh-ed and talked abt some stuff here and thr. but didn't manage to get anything tht i wanna get. lyk my yellow shoes and blue backpack! :<>

and somehow i realised, after we stop contacting very much, i found myself happier somehow. but i preferred you to care, and tht's all i can ask for. i would want to go out wit you again, i would want to hear you say those words you use-d to say. but i guess you would nvr knw. think all you feel is me being a stupid bug saying things tht you don't wish to hear, and thus not knwing what to reply. it's either you are tired of telling me how much you care, or you not wanting to repeating what you've said. ohwells, either ways. i would rather you tell me. i want you to bother and give me tht least bit of attention again. really. sighs.

much was spoken today; thoughts and disappointments was shared. tears were shed, some even got up and left th room in a bang. after so much was spoken, i felt numb somehow. numb-ed not because i didn't take in anything tht was said, numb-ed cos of what i've tried to put in but did not achieve. a contradiction isn't it?

but, i really did put in th effort to remember, to put into place what was taught. but i just can't. sometyms learning it, almost brings me to tears. cos i just can't get it right. me too, want to find back tht "fighting spirit" i had during concert preparation. those pushing over th limit feel tht almost everyone of us can feel from each other. i believe we can, we just need to push ourselves harder; beyond th improvements we alrdy have.

my mind's in a mess for th pass few days. regretted some stuff tht i said over a phone conversation tht might very much might be th last convo. dk when will be th nxt tym we're going to speak or start to communicate wit each other again. ohwells. i should just pretend that i'm okayy, and my life's moving on lyk it used to. just tht i sort of hate it, when my mind drift off so much tht th headache that seems to be permanent doesn't make things better.


tmr's th start of a new sch week yet again, and it also means tht th new juniors are coming in for their very first training tmr, which also means tht it's going to be day1 of being a senior tmr! ohmy. kind of excited, but on th other hand dk what to expect and all. wo men yi qi jiayou ba! :>


; to end of, i think human being human. lives in contradiction so much, tht we don't really truely knw what we want. no pun intended. lyk what leonard told me ytd, "We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones that ignore us, love the ones who hurt us and hurt the ones who love us." don't you find it kind of true?

OUT




dear friend,

i've somehow came down to a painful decision. as i'm typing this down, i'm at my brink of tear-ing again. well, think it's okay. you won't be reading this, and won't be caring as much i suppose. you won't be caring if i was here alone crying my eyeballs out, for only one reason. things seems to change so fast, in just a day. i want to ask for an explaination, but i better not. i've cried enough.

i'll miss those days that we had endless conversation about anything. i'll miss those days that i can just randomly ask you out. i'll miss those days that we txt non-stop for th entire day. i'll miss those days when i wake up reading your text - wishing me good morning. i'll miss those days that we meet up almost every week, or twice a week. i'll miss those days that you waited for me to slp before you do. i'll miss those days tht we chat on th phone until th wee hours of th morning. i'll miss those days tht you whine not stop over th phone. i'll miss those days tht without fail you'll brighten up my days i'll miss those days tht we meet up for movies. i'll miss those days tht we cuddle up tgt in th cinemas. i'll miss th smell of your perfume. i'll miss everything about you.

but now, it seems lyk everythings down th drain. well, i can't lose something tht i nvr had i suppose. everything was just almost there, at least from what i feel. i don't trust tht th time spent was just for th sake of it. take care my dear friend, idk what else to do. i'll shut myself away from you, if that's what you want. i'll be more than happy if one of these days thru your busy schedule, you'll think of me and contact me.

trust me, it's painful. i feel th hole dwelling even deeper, whenever i think of you. but i guess, you're just far beyond my reach. i'll love you still th same, but i nvr got th chance to tell you. and i think i'll never will.
okayy, promise you'll take care.

love,
sher.

♥ WALLOW-ED



down beneath; let it be spoken.

i somehow. lyk it when someone speaks in parables. lyk speaking in a way, whereby th meaning is in it but not tht direct. i started to lyk it only recently, without any particular reason of whatsoever. reading parables are interesting too! but not those biblical stuff, of course.

lots have been running through my mind lately. things abt death, regrets, saying th right thing, being ignored; everything along those lines. it feels as if i'm back into a state of solitary, back to where i was last tym. it's getting scary. i even cried on th journey home, thinking back abt how stupid i was. but not regretting what i said and did. but just how stupid i was being such a pain in th ass when i could have acted in a better way.

it's tym for some self-reflection. thr's no tym for tears right now.

♥ TWEETS!



sentences of pure innocence

3-days of CCA recruitment, i went down for 2-days. and thru these 2-days, i roughly learnt how limit break is drum-ed. th different rhythm is all. &&& i "shang gu-ed" on th last day of CCA recruitment! th longest distance i've walked so far, so proud of myself.

& HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHIAWEI!
please stay as gay as ever. and stop getting scratches on your face by rubbing your face against your pillow. though i seriously find it kinda ridiculous. lyk how mans? HAHAH. everyone was amazed, plus puzzled at th same tym.

okayy, that's all. work for th nxt 2 days. opening to closing on sunday somemore. someone pls tell me abt it.

♥




happy birthday, boy! you're 20 now.
messages are very well self explaint(?) :>

F.



revive; from what it used to be

alright, i feel lyk typing writing and everything tht is along tht line. i feel th serenity of me pen-ing my thoughts down after swallowing it down so much till somehow, i feel as if my chest is a bottomless-pit. literally. lyk sometyms it gets so painful i feel lyk screaming, but thr isn't sound coming out from me. it was just, just now tht i felt as if i had breathing difficulty. ohwells, just fuck it.

reading thru what we were before, i felt my heart wrench-ed. th familiar feeling came back for a short while until you uttered th S-word. for what it may seem, everything tht was done; a word sorry was th only only word used. then, i start to wonder if sorry is such a big word, tht everyone is using it so freely that somehow it loses th meaning behind it.

i know i'm being a bitch now, making a big fuss out of everything. but well, how do you expect me to react? on th other hand, i can't blame you for anything too. thr wasn't any status between us to start with, and mayb afterall it's just me tht's taking everything so seriously; far too serious than what you expect. but thr wasn't any regrets of anything that i've said to you so far, it's just how you've taken it in. lyk what you told me, sometyms you just dk what to reply. okayy, i've gotten it. i will try to get use to it, just give me some tym.

ohmans, FML. shouldn't i? i think i read too much into everything's tht between us.